Revelations....

Hello everyone! I'm not quite sure how to begin this post, other than to say...Praise the Lord for Revelations and Answers! Without question, I've learned a few things about myself through this present struggle of whether or not to continue with school, etc.

First, when I sit down to pray, I become restless and hesistant as I approach God. In a way, I expect Him to a. put me off, b. Say, "Wait," c. Say, "No," or d. Say, "I hope you pray for patience and perserverance b/c it's going to be a bumpy ride!" What an unfair and unrealistic way to view our heavenly Father; yet, my views of the Lord come from circumstances where I've had to wait, or when He has said "No." I've also had my share of "bumpy rides," when my faith and patience have been tested to the max..and, frankly, those are not fun experiences....even though they have built character and faith along the way. That is why, as you can understand, I am reluctant at times to completely surrender to the Lord....I guess it's my way to trying to control the situation and prevent myself from having to endure any looooonnnnnggggg drawn out trial....which is absurd if you think about it, b/c the Lord is supposed to be our haven of rest...our place of comfort. Instead, at times, we avoid Him like the plague. Doesn't make sense. But, anyway, you get the picture. This is how I have been living over the past few months, especially in reference to this major decision about school.
Until last Thursday....

Over the past few days, I've been reminded of my commitment to my children, but also of my promise to myself. How ironic that it was Mother's Day weekend when I was pondering all of this, huh? I thought about my role as a mother...what it could and should be. I was reminded that there will be a day when my children will be at school full-time, and I'll look back and wish that I could re-capture these times....I am going to miss this. It is my nature to fully commit and dedicate myself to any task, including my education and career, and it's simply not possible for me to commit 100% to family, 100% to school, and 100% to a career at the same time. It just can't be done...at least, not by me.

This is why I was seeking clarity...I needed a revelation as to what I should do. The song by Third Day, entitled "Revelation," inspired me so much over the past few months...I'll share a little bit here...

"Give me a revelation...show me what to do..cuz I've been tryin' to find my way...I haven't got a clue. Tell me should I stay here, or do I need to move. Give me a revelation...I've nothin' without you....."

Over the past few months..and, in particular, over the past few weeks, the Lord kept waking me up at night with this verse in my head....

~Getting Answers~

After posting last Thursday, I anticipated that I would feel relieved...lighter...as if a burden had been lifted. Instead, my heart was heavy and my spirit gloom. I was overcome with anxiety about being judged and ridiculed...I was afraid that people would think that I have given up. Clearly, this was Satan. And, in that moment of brokenness, the Lord began to answer my prayer...through emails, posts, daily devotions...I was receiving encouragement from unlikely sources..people that I do not speak to on a regular basis...and, some that I do. Yet, these sisters in Christ were taking time to encourage me, offer advice, and provide examples from their experiences, and send me scripture to support it. Wow. I was blown away!

~Revelations Sent By God Last Thursday~

1. Reflection~ the importance of being "still" and listening to God...
2. Commitment as a Mother
3. How fortunate I am in my life
4. Importance of timing (big one!)
5. Personal insecurities and control issues (oh...another big one!)
6. God's Blessings (Jason shared this with me a few months back, and God reminded me of it last Thursday....sometimes, when we make a choice that is not in accordance with God's plan, the Lord will continue to bless us...just so we will come back to Him out of a broken heart....ugh...brutal truth, huh?)
7. "Allowed Mistakes" (goes with number 6....sometimes, God allows mistakes to be made...choices that do not coincide with His plan...it's a teachable moment)

~The Answer~

At the end of the evening last Thursday, my mom sent me a one minute devotional. It was actually her devotional for last Thursday that just happened to relate to my situation...(of course, it was God). It was entitled, "Answered Prayers." The core verse was Genesis 26:12. After reading the devotional, I decided to stay up and read the complete story in Genesis. I was inspired by how ambitious Abraham's servant (Eliezer) was in asking God for a specific sign in his circumstance. In this story, Eliezer was introduced to Rebekah. It was through Rebekah that the Lord spoke to me. You see, Rebekah was a wholehearted individual who went beyond the minimum in everything that she tackled...even if it wasn't right. (I related to this). According to God's word (NIV), Rebekah had initiative...a sort of "misguided initiative" at times. Although Rebekah's specific circumstance was unlike mine, her story struck a chord within me. In essence, sometimes we justifiy our decisions and apply God's stamp of approval~the problem here is that we've already made the decision ourselves...even if we desire God's will for our lives (as I do). Ultimately, having initiative is a good thing, but ONLY when guided by God's wisdom. (Gulp). This is where I believe that I went wrong...and, through this scripture, God clearly showed me this.

Now, this is the tough part...admitting that I was impulsive in my decision to go back to school. Yeah...it was a mistake...misguided initiative, I suppose. It wasn't quite balanced by God's wisdom, but it was, of course, unintentional on my part. I'm not quite sure if it's a timing issue or God saying..."No...never." One thing is crystal clear though...this is definitely NOT the season in my life for pursuing school and career. Rather, this is the time granted by the Lord for me to be still with Him and to be a loving wife and mother.

Who would have known that I would receive this answer in ONE day? How dare we place limits on the Lord? Praise God! And, thank you all for allowing God to use you to help prepare me for this revelation....and, thank you for your continued confirmation of my decision.

~Love, Summer~ :)