Where To Start....????

So, I'm putting forth my best effort at gracefully explaining to you all what's been going on with our family, specifically me, over the past several months....I'm thinking that this post will need to be continued at some point, but, for now, this is what's on my heart....

Most of you know that last November, I started a graduate program in Education...with an emphasis in Special Education. The process of enrolling and being accepted took one month...and, it required that I take a state test called the GACE. Finally, in late November, I began my first class through the University of Phoenix. Exciting! Scary! Fun! Challenging! I felt ALL of these emotions....it was a pivotal moment for me. Somewhere..in the back of my mind, I had always wanted to return to school....after all, I had such an amazing college experience, and I love learning. I have to admit...I never thought it would have been in Education, but so be it...

During the month of enrollment and test taking, there was much praying, wondering, and asking everyone I could find for advice....you know, asking advice from those who have gone before me...I guess in an effort to reduce the uncertainty that was lingering about going back to school. Now...I know what you must be thinking...uh-oh..she made the wrong decision. NO...that's not what I'm saying....let's just say...I'm not sure. Is that good enough? Because..I really don't know. Looking back, these are some of the thoughts/quotes that are running through my head....

~ Would God leave a door slightly open to see if we will push it open OR look to Him for more guidance? (God revealed this to me recently during a conversation with a dear friend).

~ Did I propose my plan for my future and ask God to comply? (I hope not...that's just selfish, and I don't want to think of myself as that type of person....)

~ Is it God's plan for me to return to work? If so, when???

~ Did God place a period, and did I turn it into a comma??? (I had this thought after reading a blog post from Stacy (a blog that I follow)...here is the link to this post...it is PROFOUND..."Commas, Periods, and Everything In Between" In this post, Stacy talks about "when things seem out of control or don't make sense, none of it is a surprise to God"

~ What if you pray for answers, and do NOT receive any? Do you make a decision based on what you think is in line with God's plan? Or, do you assume that no answer means no...a closed door. Or, maybe you're not a faithful servant, and that's why God is not answering...
Please know that I believe that God answers ALL prayers, but sometimes when a decision must be made, and we still do not have any response from the Lord, what are we to do? I've struggled with this many times in my life.....

~ Is my need to label God getting in the way of me seeing the subtleties of what He is saying? Possibly....

The underlying question is...."why do I continue to have this nagging feeling IF I am doing the right thing?"

Looking at the facts....well, here are a few reasons why it may NOT be the right time for me to work or pursue an opportunity as a special education teacher....
1. The school system is in a hiring freeze and is having funding issues....an economical mess!
2. With my program, I will have to student teach...what will I do with the kids while I am working...UNPAID???
3. Initially, I had planned to work while going to school...but, with the hiring freeze, that is not going to happen!
4. Let's face it...graduate programs are expensive, especially this one since it is entirely online. I would like a guarantee of a job before going into so much debt with this program....you know?
5. Noah is enrolled in a Pre-K program for next year...IF I got a job, I'd have to take him out b/c there would be noone to take him and pick him up....

So....is it just a timing issue??? Do I sound confused? I am!

Justifying my Decision...

So, I could continue with school because....

1. I LOVE school...and, I've worked SO hard...I just completed my 5th class in late March, and I have a 4.0!
2. I love working for a goal....for me, graduating is the ultimate goal!!!
3. I love the psychological aspect of Special Education....
4. I love a routine...
5. And, of course, I'd love to contribute financially to our family...

Just because I am or could be successful at something doesn't mean that I should pursue it though...right?

So, what is all of this leading to? Well...after I completed my last course on March 30th, I took a temporary leave of absence. This was my way of buying time...I guess you could say. After all, a few circumstances had changed since I initially decided to go back to school. At that time, we were planning on moving, and that would have required that I work...as of right now, we are staying put, and we're happy about that :)

My main reason for sharing this with all of you is to ask for prayer...specifically clarification and that God will be BOLD with me! I'm tired of guessing and not feeling a complete peace about anything...within the next two weeks, I will be making a decision on IF I will proceed with classes (I am scheduled to start again on May 26th). If I had to make that decision today, I have NO IDEA what I would do.

So, please add me to your prayers! Ultimately, I want to do what's best for me and my family...and, of course, I want God's will to be done. I will say that God has already been speaking to me in an amazing way through a dear friend that I've recently reconnected with...thank you Lord! And, thank you friend :) You know who you are, and I cherish you!

That's all for now...but, just in case, I feel the need to share more...I'll add what I guessed I would add in the beginning....

To Be Continued....